Z · O · S · O

"The reality of the other person lies not in what he reveals to you, but what he cannot reveal to you. Therefore, if you would understand him, listen not to what he says, but rather to what he does not say." — Kahlil Gibran

"nobody's fault but mine." - Zeppelin



it fits like a family potrait. there's a father, a madre, two children(a son and a daughter) and a golden retriever(with rainbow armbands). picture perfect. but not necessarily.



this is not a poem, a literacy where you are exposed to the doors of perception. you perceive as what you want to - this algebra doesn't equate that way. we tried, but it wouldn't.



i walked past, caught a glimpse and brushed off the sight. it doesn't matter what i saw because it was a scenery that was a living entity.



i've got my ways, my mysterious ways.


i took after God - blasphemy unintended.

"explore your latest fascination. learn the ins and outs and satisfy your curiosity."

"playing hide-and-go-seek when you were a kid was lots of fun, but right now it might just confuse things more than you'd like. if there's something on your mind, spit it out. yes, speaking your piece can be tough and a little scary, but honest communication can't happen between you and a certain party until one of you starts talking. expecting someone to read your mind just isn't fair, so speak up before it's too late."



i could feel you in my blood. i am coming clean.

i finally raised the white flag - i replied to his twitter status.
so these were his two consecutive twitter updates;

• gandydavid- I'm up way too early! I'm going surfing with my friends! Do u feel like going surfing with us? lol :)
• gandydavid- This is my one and only FB account! just signed up for facebook !!
  

i began with;

• profashionally@gandydavid- welcome to facebooking! i shall 'Become a Fan'! but for now, happy surfing USA! :)

and he hit me back with;

• gandydavid@profashionally- Thanks, you're welcome! I mostly use Twitter to keep you updated :) Hope all is well!!

with me playing the 'get the fucking hotstuff' game, i continued with;

• profashionally@gandydavid- well, you better get off the internet! and start surfing the waves of California! surf safe and tweet once you're back! :)

he closed sesame;

• gandydavid@profashionally-  I'm off!

with fingers crossed, i hope he comes back in a couple of hours with lots of twitter updates. i think too much but when he replied, "I MOSTLY USE TWITTER TO KEEP YOU UPDATED" is to me like making an effort on "OUR" long-distance non-existence relationship.

it's been awhile since i compiled my ongoing intense manifestation of feelings.
in through the out door. mourning like never before.
disintegration of personal being challenged by its sudden reality.

how does it sound? quite immaculate.

my sermonised summary - in 9 lives(not necessarily in that order).

i wonder how my coming days will structure.
peculiar with a tinge of slander.
controversy. democracy. communise my dignity.
conspiracy. who do i trust?
signs. delectable destiny.
without prior notice, you come to me like a beast.
beating heart, miraculous miscellaneous.

melodramatic consequences, but you.

" i couldn't find the word for what i felt ... it is clearly not true that without language there is no thought. i possessed a thought, a feeling, a sensation, and i was looking for its word. "
Enduring Love by Ian McEwan

emotional turmoil. perennial entity. kill-joy.

my sonic youth.

he claimed that i would leave him if i found a younger man. he and his insecurities - i don't blame him, he is human eventhough being a dumbass was mostly the case here.

i gave up trying to show that i give a shit and the works.
but this feeling that i have, it's my entitlement - i am your communist lover.

that said, we are adjourned, ricky sayang.

" people like me, who think too much, are so glad, so grateful, at least at first, to be overcome by thoughts of lips, hands and eyes. "
A Whistling Woman, A.S. Byatt

i don't know what else to say.
let it be.

" LA....Aku TAknak side Saper2...TApI LA, Ape ricky Ckp pon AKu Agree....he saiD thoSe tinGs bcos he have too...and to let u know that ure tOO YOUNG for Him....And he wantS u To UnderstAnd The poSitiOn thAt he's in RIte nW...He dun wants u to be wit him bcos, The age gap is way far....and futhermore, wat wiill the ppls say?? u have to think all this dear...and the person who is to bE blAme Is NnoT u..iTs riCky....The ppl will blame ricky, and they think thats he's crazy....And LA...Not onlY whO lIkes RiCky...bUt AloT Of The woMan Out There likes Him Too...And even Ask For MArriage!!! But he dOesnt want...AnD LA....Die Ckp GItu Sbb Aper? Bkn NAk SakiT KAn HAti KAu...TApi UtK kebaikan kau Jgk...he KnoWs thAt U r Not worth To Get him, But get Sumone better than him...BcoS obviouslY He's OLD ALREADY!!! pplS CAn TAlk BAd thingS abt Him...Do u understand?Org MAkin TuA,MAkin BAik, Bkn Bt PrAngAi TAk Senonoh...tAt is wat ppl wil tink...AnD La....RICky Is NoT rEady To commit...SerIoUsly...DIer DA ReJecT Byk TAu PomPAn... "

this is such an inspiration.

i didn't know that love is actually a taboo after you reach the age of 50. but above all, i think you're queer as fuck, ricky. stop all these bullshit and be friends with me. i am a good fag hag, let's watch gay porn.

it was always too late. it struck off at an impossible turn back. now, who is responsible for this emotional aftermath? critically-kosher proven.

i tried my shot, aims for gold.

Horoscope for January 14, 2009
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)

" An unresolved romantic issue in your life suddenly seems like it has a chance at a happy ending. You are finally getting a handle on what you want and what you don't want -- which is usually much more important. This other person is going through a similar growth phase, and they are ready to hear your feelings without over-reacting. They want to know what you think. This is a great day for putting the past behind you and it's a great day for solidifying a relationship. "


oh so, he's going to be my personal man-friend, tomorrow?

i'd really like that.

if it happens, it happens.
if it doesn't, something else will.

i overlooked - just like the Trojan War which caused the fall of Troy. in this case scenario,
it has triggered mindless conversations.


maybe i figured, the way we held hands, must have leaked my emotion.


i want to hold your hand.

I LOVE YOU.


which is still bullshit but yes.

so perhaps that was his new year resolution - to actually start communicating with me on a much personal level?

or personal touch?


this is bullshit - my affirmation, all of it.

for the love of god, i am lazy as fuck to make my way down to ICA to collect my LONG OVER-DUE passport. oh, i remembered, i didn't put on any make-up for that particular photo that will be plastered into my passport for the next five years of my life. but i had my fabulous leather jacket on - seems adequate, i think. it will be two anytime soon and the place calls it a day at four. i am leaving my fate today on the lap of the gods.

i am not on duty today. i don't know if ricky is working(he had his fair share of staying out of cartier yesterday) but again, i shouldn't give two fucks about it. because pat benatar just sang LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD. no promises, we are fucking strong. i feel that i am in agony but i couldn't put my finger on it. i cannot wait to leave this god-forsaken love hole come sixteenth january up till the nineteenth. amen amen amen.



KL menjerit.

no obligations - i am still here; waiting. (i love how time plays an important role in every aspect of my existence.) i look forward to absorbing your presence. ps: too late, too late, a fool could read the signs. maybe baby, you'd better check between the lines. please read the letter, i wrote it in my sleep.

i can't seem to make myself grow out of it.